Got Milk? Nope!

Dear Elzora,
I just told the guys at my favorite pizza place that I wasn't able to breastfeed you! Sometimes I just don't know when to stop talking. Those poor guys. They must think I'm totally crazy. They probably didn't even understand what I was saying since they barely speak English and I barely speak Swedish. But still!! I wonder if I will ever get used to embarrassing myself in this country?

I had ordered a pizza with jalapeños and hot sauce and the owner asked if I was breastfeeding. Instead of just saying no, I explained to him that I had really wanted to breastfeed but that I had experienced a very long and rough labor & delivery resulting in an emergency c-section, my baby was in neonatal for a few days following the birth and that my milk never came in. Why? Why did I say this? He just wanted to warn me that the pizza was spicy hot and could affect my breast milk and your digestive system.

I know exactly why I told him these things. Everyone in the pizza place heard him ask me about breastfeeding and I just felt so ashamed that I wasn't able to feed my precious little baby. Ashamed because I know that it's the best thing you can do for your baby. And that studies show that breastfeed babies are smarter (but that's only until the age of 15 or something). And that formula could cause childhood obesity and I've always struggled with my weight.

But Elzora just know that I did try to breastfeed you for a month and I pumped for a month, so you did get a lot of breast milk. I even contacted La Leche League! It's just that you were not interested at all and you would scream and scream and finally we just had to make the decision to start enjoying our life together and not fight with each other every time you were hungry because I didn't have enough milk and you were starving. But I promise you that I will feed you the best food available for the rest of your life. I even got the book Super Baby Food from Auntie Liisa as a gift and we are starting you on solid food within the next 2 weeks!!

So I'm sorry that you weren't breastfeed, but you are strong, beautiful, healthy, smart, satisfied and you sleep through the night. And I hereby officially forgive myself for not being able to breastfeed. I did what was right for you and our family and we are the best family, ever. And with others around me trying so hard to get babies of their own, I know what a miracle it is that I was able to give birth to such a gorgeous, laughing, active baby girl.

You rock, Elzora!!

Love,

Mom

PS They guys at the pizza place still gave me a lollipop when I left. And they also gave me a free pizza when you were born. And I'm sure that you will taste your first Swedish pizza at Pizzeria Rhodos here in Ulricehamn.

UPDATE: I just have to say that I feel a bit ridiculous for writing this post in the first place, but I am going to keep it up on the blog. Elzora, you are 8 months old today and you have never been sick... not even a runny nose!! You are smart as a whip and your and you are developmentally awesome. We definitely made the right decision. xoxo Mommy

I Got it From My Mama!!

Dear Elzora,
Yesterday we went to a parenting course for FTMs at the family center. FTM is an acronym that I learned about from reading all of the pregnancy websites. At first I thought it meant "Female to Male" and it made reading the pregnancy boards on Baby Center much more exciting. But, as you probably guessed, FTM stands for "First Time Mom."

Before I left the house for the course, I realized that I probably needed money for Fika. I went in to the laundry room and got the coins that I had retrieved from your dad's jeans. At that moment I could hear my mother's voice in my head saying "Don't you take my laundry money. That's my pay for doing all of your laundry!" I had to laugh at myself.

The class was just what I needed. The other moms were so nice and so smart. They were willing to speak English some of the time and I was so thankful. Honestly, I didn't understand very much but it was just nice to be around the other mothers and their little tiny babies. We definitely all had the same energy. And of course I can't help but think about the fact that these babies will be your classmates when you get older if we stay here in Ulricehamn. It's so exciting to think about the future.

During the class you sucked your thumb and then fell asleep.
I wonder if you will be a thumb sucker just like Pascha or Tookie Loo?
I think it would be so cute. I wanted to be a thumb sucker and a hair twirler.
I also wanted to wear a retainer. Never happened.

Don't you take my laundry money!!

Love,

Mom

Liisa & The Monkey Dance

Dear Elzora,
You just had your first visitor from the USA. Your Auntie Liisa spent 11 days with us here in Ulricehamn. She brought you a beautiful Chinese dress and shoes from San Francisco Chinatown. She also brought some wonderful gifts for mommy: Peet's Coffee, red wine from California, angel hair pasta, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and some Chanel perfume. Mommy was very happy.

Liisa's visit was really amazing. You loved watching her do "The Monkey Dance" and always gave her a big smile whenever she talked to you. If I was feeding you and you heard her voice, you had to turn towards her. We all love Liisa very much. Even daddy loves Liisa, but sometimes they argue like they are siblings. Liisa is Finnish and daddy is Swedish, so they have a lot to discuss regarding their shared Scandinavian heritage. :)

During Liisa's visit you changed so much. Your hair grew longer (but you still have the bald spot on the back of your head), you got taller and you now squeal in delight whenever we talk to you.

After we took Liisa to the airport this morning we had another baby swim class. This time you dove completely under water for the first time. You didn't seem to mind at all, but you were super tired afterwards.

As a matter of fact you are still asleep. When you wake up Daddy and I will take you to get your passport photos, so we can go to California in April.

It was hard for mommy to say good-bye to her friend, but she knows she will see her again in just a few months.

I'm so proud of you Elzora. Keep on swimming!!

Love,

Mom

Happy Birthday!

Dear Elzora,
In her epic novel/poem Aurora Leigh Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote "I felt a mother-want about the world." For some reason this line has stayed with me and I vowed that I would do whatever I could do to prevent my own children from feeling this way. Of course I know that a blog can't prevent you from feeling loneliness, anger or sadness, but it can be a place for you to come and read about your history, your life and hopefully have a good laugh.

I've created this blog so that you can always have my words, thoughts and often silly ideas available to you. I don't pretend to know everything, and I've definitely made my share of mistakes. But I love you and I want to be the best mom in the whole-wide world.

Today you are 3 months old and at this time you are sleeping right in front of me in your little baby gym. You are the cutest thing I've ever seen. I think you are so tired because yesterday you started your baby swim class. You loved it. I was a nervous wreck and I was shaking all day.

I've only been your mother for three months and the baby swim yesterday was sort of our mother-daughter debut. I think we did great, considering I don't speak Swedish and I had no idea how I was going to give you and me a shower without dropping you. But it went fine and you were as calm as could be. Good girl!

Happy Birthday, Elzora!!

Love,

Mommy